Do women pull each other down?

As a seasoned HR and Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) professional, I am frequently asked, "Why do women pull each other down?" Each time, I delve deeper into this uncomfortable truth that affects so many women.

Despite the numerous conversations about supporting each other, being there for the tribe, or the concept of "lean in" popularized by Sheryl Sandberg, we still witness this dynamic in corporate corridors.

Over the years, I have come to see this as another form of "victim blaming"- blaming the victims of a system rather than the system itself, which perpetuates such behaviours. How often do we stop to consider the root causes of rivalry among women?

When we begin to unpack the reasons, we realise that women, often unknowingly, are victims of a system that has thrived unchallenged, maintaining the status quo. In their ascent to leadership positions, many women have embraced and internalised masculine traits that are celebrated—aggression, assertiveness, competitiveness. In doing so, they may have 'covered' their authentic selves just to be accepted and to belong. They might distance themselves from other women to assert their hard-earned leadership positions and gain acceptance from male colleagues. The lack of empathy for other women, coupled with unreasonable toughness, is often exacerbated in male-dominated industries. With fewer female role models in leadership positions, women feel compelled to emulate what they see.

Consider the gender role expectations and stereotypes women navigate daily. Even at workplaces, decisions are often made on their behalf under the guise of benevolent sexism ("She can't relocate because she has a baby; he can move without an issue"). At home, women still bear the major responsibility for domestic work, childcare, and elderly care.

While dealing with sexism, the socialization to feel guilty if they slacken keeps rearing its ugly head. Add to this the pressure of being seen as both likeable and effective at work. 

After constantly swimming against the tide, when women are near the goalpost, they face the bitter truth that there are very few leadership positions available. Men don’t face this issue, as they are often seen as natural choices for leadership positions while women, meanwhile, are busy jumping through hoops. When accomplished and empowered women find themselves in a situation of scarcity with fewer opportunities at the top, they are forced to compete with one another for those limited positions.  

Childhood conditioning to view other women as rivals can subconsciously carry into adulthood and spill over into the workplace. Women are judged more harshly than men by both genders. When women internalise gender stereotypes and patriarchal systems, they expect conformance to societal expectations from themselves and their female colleagues, leading to uncharitable judgments.

Addressing this issue requires getting women on the same page to understand how the system has been built to their detriment. While it seems unfair to shift some part of the burden of fixing a broken system onto the women, it can foster empathy and resolve to address the problem. 

The first critical area that needs to be addressed is to recalibrate corporate systems by rewarding and celebrating leadership traits that are inclusive and relevant in the current world. The expiry date for rewarding masculine leadership traits is long over! Those systems were built for men by men at a time when they possibly held relevance. This is not about men vs women. This is about systems vs women!

Encourage authenticity in workplaces so that women can unapologetically get their true selves to the workplace without ‘covering’.

Just go about ensuring women are represented at all levels without asking for ROIs which was never asked while positions were being filled by men. Let women see the expansive opportunities and not just the hoops, hurdles and curveballs. Expend intentional efforts to grow women into leadership roles and give them visibility so that younger women can have role models to emulate.

Make Inclusion a non-negotiable at the workplace. Enough has been said about the business case of Inclusion. Just remind people about the times when they were excluded and how it made them feel. Be a true unicorn by breaking gender stereotypes at the workplace so that women can thrive.

Activate Employee Resource Groups (ERGs) which provide a platform for women to share experiences, offer support, and advocate for change within the organisation. Make sure men play an active role in these ERGs alongside women!

Women have been over-mentored and under-sponsored in the last few years. The focus now needs to shift towards Sponsorship of women by senior male and female leaders and has to be a part of the leadership KRAs. Remember men have always been sponsoring other men so the concept is not new at all! Just shift the focus to being inclusive in sponsorships. Sponsors who are in positions of power and privilege can create career-enhancing opportunities for women by advocating for them even when they are not in the room.

Organisations and male allies can step up, working with women to collaborate, network, and champion one another, leading to more opportunities for all. When organisations work with intentionality, they can create an environment where women feel confident that they all have enough and more opportunities to grow and thrive. When women see environments where they can work together with a strong sense of sisterhood with their organisations actively championing their advancement, this narrative around women will die a natural death!

This article is penned by Roopa Badrinath, Founder and Principal Consultant of Turmeric Consulting and Ex-Chief Talent Officer of VML/Wunderman Thompson South Asia.

Disclaimer: The article features the opinion of the author and does not necessarily reflect the stance of the publication.